我们都活在,漫长的死之葬礼（2 / 2）
「说了什么？后面的他再也没有吐露出什么有价值的东西，相反，他给我讲了很多故事。」
「故事？」
「嗯，一些很没有营养的故事。他说，有这样一个妓女，这样一个女学生。女学生为了某项社会研究，应该说是出于猎奇心，试图采访一些性工作者。她是个学生，没有什么余钱，自然那些人也不会和她有什么交流。于是她把自己包装成一个正要从事性交易的学生，将爱慕虚荣、不切实际，想要挣块钱的符号套在自己身上。于是她很快就和其他性工作者们结识，以及那些运营这些的头头，并与里面一个微不足道的妓女产生了奇特的悸动，不过是妓女单方面对她的。一个妓女爱上了想要入行的女学生？听起来也真是荒谬。他还告诉了我很多很多，那些几十年前的西南地区，以及一些贫困、偏远的县乡村，那些小学、初中毕业，十四、十五岁出头，就被城里所谓工厂、保姆的好工作所欺骗，被拐走当妓女，不服就暴力殴打，去接有病的客人的她们。」
「……」
「他对我说，最让女学生畏惧的是，那个妓女，真的对她产生了什么感情。但明明她对她的一切好意、帮助、真诚，都只是为了书写一篇满足她窥探私欲的文本——她只是想从妓女那获得信息，满足她的恶趣味和探究欲。可天真的妓女却真的以为她和她之间有什么真情，并向她托付了如此让人惧怕、沉重的、粘稠到让人窒息的情愫。但妓女对她而言，只是一段语句，只是一则记录。她根本就不在乎她，对她而言完全只是无所谓的空气。可如此卑劣的心理，如此赤裸的耻辱，她又怎敢告知于她？」
「……你这样，我完全不知道该说什么。」
内容未完，下一页继续阅读', '')('「呵呵，你就当我在自言自语吧，反正也并没有什么意义。他还和我讲过一个故事，一个戏剧里的牧羊女，孱弱而又无能的人。她是故事里的女配，一个不起眼的配角，却无可救药地对女扮男装的女主一见钟情，之后也顺理成章地发展出了感情。可女主注定会和绝对权力的男主在一起，她永远不可能选择她。于是，牧羊女被抛弃了。在他讲述的最后，牧羊女和女主跳了最后一支舞，在女主的婚礼上枪杀自尽。」
「似乎，他很喜欢这样的悲剧。」
「谁知道呢，反正他已经死了。几年后他又告诉了我一个版本，一个完全魔改的版本。他说牧羊女并没有因为女主不选择她而绝望，自杀。她十分痛苦，却又坦然地接受了这一切。牧羊女意识到，单单从她自己而言，她也永远不可能和她在一起。」
「……」
「因为太爱她，所以无法目睹她所爱的女人，在自己心中被摧毁；因为太爱她，所以无法接受她心爱之人，面对贫瘠的自己，那彻底的崩塌。因为爱她，所以无法接受和她相交，如同乱伦的禁令，与血亲母亲的耻辱。可现在，她嫁给了他，抛弃了她——她们都解脱了。」
「这是他预想的结局？」
「然而这还不是最荒谬的。最讽刺的是，因为太爱她，所以牧羊女无法爱上任何一个女人。她为她心爱的女人产生了一种诡异、隐晦的男同情结。因为她爱她，所以她畏惧她。于是牧羊女只能退而求其次，以男人的身份爱她臆想的，作为男人的那个她。这是如此的滑稽，她以男人的身份爱着另一个男人，但爱她的男人只会因为她是女人才爱她。最后的最后，她尝试和另一个猛烈追求她的男人缔结婚姻，最后因为她的不妥协，他的不理解，分崩离析……很可笑吧？她爱的女人，因为她无法成为完全的男人而抛弃她；而她爱的男人，又因为她无法成为完全的女人而背弃她。那还有什么是她的容身之所呢？又有什么能成为她的安息之地呢？我记得他的手稿是这么写的：牧羊女只是默默地流泪，心中只有苦涩忧伤。不会有任何人明白，更不会有任何人理解。无法成为男人，也无法成为女人的她，根本什么意义都不会留存，什么样的故事都不会剩下，就连唯一一处狭隘的栖身之地也不会有，除了哀思以外，什么都不会存在。她的泪水一点点干涸，最终无法流出任何眼泪的她，孱弱地倒在河畔的礁石上，将自己全身的肉躯，亲吻着砂砾与泥土。眼眶溢出血泪，落在水面的手臂被鱼群啃食，染红了成片成片的血迹的河。」
「……所以她结束了。」
「是啊，她结束了，他们都结束了。我花了很长时间理解他，理解他背后的隐喻和未尽之言，但最后都没有意义。毕竟，这实在是太荒谬了，一个女人为了心爱的女人成为男同性恋的故事，实在是太荒谬了。他告诉过我很多很多，他要谋杀某人，他要破坏什么，他想制造一起轰天惊地的谋杀，成为最卑劣、最丑陋的邪恶之徒，然后死去。解剖某人的尸体，食用某人的脏器，酣饮某人的血液。多么可笑的一个人，明明我给过他那么多次机会，却连我都没有杀死。他总是想着那些没有用的、极端的、血腥的事情。他说他被一群人按在手术台上，在没有麻药的黑诊所里被活活割去器官。我以为他是开玩笑，我也希望他是开玩笑。那天早晨，他用刀在他的脸上划了七八厘米的口子，在昏暗的灯泡下难以言喻地笑着。你说我除了笑还能做什么呢？我还能做出什么反应呢？血液糊成一脸，就这样莫名其妙地嬉闹着，甚至可以说是美好……哈，美好。他试图不把自己当人看，试图把自己当做一个戏弄的工具一般嘲弄着，但他活在现实中，活在实在里，他注定无法成为那无所谓的旁观者。最后他算是成功了？成功地死，成功地谋杀。车祸、火灾、自燃我不在乎那些人，对于他，我也不清楚我根本的心情。总之，我见证了他的死亡，我也永远失去了他。」
【本章阅读完毕，更多请搜索读吧文学http://m.25shuwu.cc 阅读更多精彩小说】', '')('总算完成了这个作品，算是第一本我真正意义上认真写完的，从去年到现在，我也是紧赶慢赶地在成年前写完了。
总觉得很多可说，很多要说，但真的到了言说的情境，反而无话可说。
原本完全不想要写成这样的篇幅对我而言已经很长了，第一章的《X、Y、Z》，也只是随笔记录一则，但后来莫名觉得必须得言说一番，靠着“一个女人为了心爱的女人，成为男同性恋”，这样荒谬的结尾苦苦支撑到现在。也是为了一碟醋包了一盘饺子
原本按照计划来讲，是还有两卷要写的，但我实在是太过于精疲力尽，就这样草草结束。并且那些我先前认为有意义的文字，现在也只是感到无所谓而已。就草草阉割。包括牧羊女的故事，原本是要写成一卷的，但实在是筋疲力尽，就姑且这样。
《K的日记本》，算是我目前为止写的最好的那一批了，不过隐喻和未尽之言都太过晦涩和抽象真直白地写，估计也发不出来罢。特别是最后两章，我已经不指望有人能看懂，后面可以说完全就只是为了炫技罢了。拥有我这样感触的人，想来是很少了。能够看到我的文字，并欣赏我这样隐晦文字的人，想来更少更少。并且由于互联网赛博写作的缘故，连沦为废纸的资格都没有。我这般的所谓写作者，也不过如此罢了。
水字数。
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